Girl's Night - an essay

Girl’s Night

Don’t wear a v-neck, it makes your shoulders look big. 

You look cute in that dress, but I can see your bulge. Throw it out. Burn it. 

There aren’t women’s shoes in your size, so cram your feet in those size 11’s. Your feet will ache as your bones readjust, but it’s worth it. You’re not like most women in a lot of ways: you have big feet, big hands, big shoulders, a big brow, big jaw, big waist, small hips, facial hair and a penis. But at least you’re wearing women’s shoes. 

Start wearing short skirts. Make sure your nipples are visible underneath that crop top. If you still talk to your mom, she may say she’s worried about you getting raped. This is good. It means she sees you as a real woman!

Youtube is a great place to learn how to do your makeup. Make bold cat eyes with liquid eyeliner to distract from your face. Use wipes to remove your makeup before bed. If you go into class with the stain of last night’s eyeliner your teacher will announce that you look like you got raped the night before. When he laughs after his silly joke, laugh along with him. It’s your duty to make those around you comfortable. 

If you’re attracted to women, don’t be. Cis women will wait until you’ve had sex a few times to confess that they’re straight. Trans women, however, will make you feel seen. They must be avoided at any cost.

If that straight guy you met online wants to have sex, send him your address. When he sends a text to politely inform you that you’re a sinner and he wants to wallow in your blood, it's ok to swoon from the romance of your first death threat - just remember to lock your door. 

Don’t get discouraged when the straight boy you wait tables with says he’s not attracted to you. You’re not attractive, of course, but you once read a statistic that straight boys watch more trans porn (also see: shemale, tranny, ladyboy) than any other category. 

Pretend you’re not upset when he wears the shirt that a much-cuter-than-you bartender gave him. You don’t want to be unattractive and bitter, do you? 

Make sure your thong is visible when leaning into the computer to punch in orders. Feel free to give yourself a wedgie

Say yes when he asks you to visit him in the hospital. Pack a board game to play with his family. Don’t be intimidated, you’ve met them already: you slept at his moms’s house a few times and you spent that day at the amusement park with his sister and his sister’s fiance. Remember? It was that sunny fall day when he walked faster than you to avoid being implicated in the stares you attract. 

When he thinks he’s having a seizure at work, follow him out to his dirty Ford Bronco with the crushed energy cans and empty tobacco tins on the floor. Let him take a swig of the plastic bottle of vodka between the seat and the center console. Stop him when he tries to take a second. Relent when he insists. It’s like he said: he’ll have a seizure if he doesn’t drink. 

He’ll start calling you more and more. This is good! You’re not tired of talking about his ex-girlfriend, or hearing about how trans women shouldn’t be in women’s sports, no way. Not tired of it at all. No siree. That’s right. Not tired. Not tired, not tired, not tired. Have I convinced you? Good. Now pick up the phone. 

When a trans girl gets murdered within earshot of your apartment,  he’ll remind you that people get murdered all the time. Stop being so dramatic. If you tell him that trans girls get murdered at a higher rate than cis girls, he’ll do some research and tell you that actually, trans girls are more often the victims of violent crime. Not murder. It’s just like you to say something stupid like that. This is where you tell him that he’s a stupid, small-minded, bitter, spiteful, repressed, alcoholic, mama’s boy suburbanite who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. This is good. Classic banter. The kind of story you can tell your adopted children. When he explains how you’re wrong, hang up. Boys love it when you play hard to get. 

When writing a bio for an online dating profile, the first thing you should mention is your penis. Mention it twice just to be safe. Tell them whether or not you’re circumcised while you’re at it. 

Start going out to the local dive bar on Thursdays with a group of trans girls. Your bodies will recognize each other. 

The girls won’t get what you saw in that guy. He sounds horrible, they’ll tell you. Defend him - this is your future husband they’re talking about!

When he calls you three times in one night, don’t answer. Eventually you’ll pick up the phone and he’ll tell you that you’re the most woman-y woman who ever woman’d. But not tonight. Tonight is girl’s night.